Zephyr saw his real vet yesterday, Dr. True has been our dog vet for many years, and I wanted her evaluation of Z's condition. It wasn't good.
There was a lot of technical terminology, but basically it came down to this: his heart isn't pumping enough blood/oxygen from the atriums to the ventricles, and also leaking somewhat backwards. Plus, it's skipping beats.
The simple human heart via http://anniesbiozone.blogspot.com/
People/dogs can live their whole lives with small murmurs, apparently, but she also said when Zephyr fainted outright on Saturday, that his body was saying, this simple coughing/heaving up barf is WAY to much and his body just shut down.
I like Dr. True for her candor. She took us through Shadow's (my dear sweet blue heeler's) bone cancer four years ago. She knows how much I love my dogs and horribly difficult that was. So, she basically said this:
He could have one day or one year.And then all the blood rushed to my feet and I started crying all over again. Somewhere in my brain, having taken such good care of Zephyr, I have held onto this belief that he would live forever one. day. at. a. time. because since Shadow died that's how I was determined to live with Zephyr. We may not have tomorrow, so today, right now, we will go for that walk, go to the river, play, sit, curl up, NOW.
I also know this a difficult pace to keep when one of us has to work, make money, run errands, grocery shop, etc, etc. And apparently, that's me.
Plus, we found Trooper. And that REALLY threw a wrench in our one-on-one time. (Finding Trooper was a good thing, but I know it's been hard on Zephyr, the number one guy. The universe has it's own recipe for my life. I make a commitment: the best life for Zephyr, and so it says, "Oh, yea?! Well here's this! Boom! And I fall in love with Trooper. Am I failing Zephyr? Can I be a good dog parent and love them both? My mind will go there, again, and again, and again. It's just how it works. It's just how I am.)
So... Zephyr started on Atenelol, a beta blocker, to slow down his heart pace--which is a bitch. (I took beta blockers for migraines. I couldn't walk two blocks without resting). But if they work out, then he'll start a blood pumping medication in two weeks.
Dr True made rules: no running, no chasing the ball, no long walks and NO STAIRS.
My bedroom is upstairs, and Zephyr's hideout when I'm not home. My bed is his safe haven. Last night he slept downstairs with a board over the stairs. He tried twice to get past it. It was another long night. This morning, I turned around and up the stairs he went...
I can not control the universe. I can barely control my life. How much of Zephyr's life do I want to control if we may or may not have that much time left.
I want to bundle us all up in bed and stay there curled up. Just for now. And now. And now.
d, xo
p.s. I took Trooper with us to the vet that day. Zephyr was lying on the floor and Trooper went over and started licking his face. xo
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